Growing up Christian you learn how God loves you unconditionally, but you also learn the dos and don’ts of Christianity. I think subconsciously I learned that if I wanted love from God then you needed to be this perfect person. So like most kids I did my best to be the “Little Christian Girl”. As you get older though you start to actually notice the negative things around you especially as a kid who spent most of her time daydreaming when your reality shows, it’s really confusing.
People move away, at least they did for me; a lot. And I know it was never my fault kids don’t have a voice in there parents decisions or the leaders in my life who moved on to other things. Not understanding why so many people I knew, move. Because love was action based and my love language is “Quality Time”
People just leave. I accepted people leaving and it wasn’t worth crying over. And I was okay because I turned off wanting to feel and when I did feel I would sleep. It was better to be numb than to cry. Numbness became my comfort.
This lead to me pushing a lot of people away and building up walls. It wasn’t until a woman named LeeAnn Avila came into my life as a youth leader to pastor and then to my friend, did they start coming down. LeeAnn poured into all the girls but she actively fought to brake down my walls and it wasn’t always perfect but she helped me grow so much. Even after she stepped down from her role at the church, she was the first one that I actively pursued a relationship with after they left.
The middle of my ninth grade year I moved schools, which I totally recognize as a God thing. I made new friendships and got to experience theater and the arts in a new way that has shaped who I am today. I let myself have friends and I let myself grow.
I still struggle with being comfortable with just being numb, I hide from my feelings. Honestly it’s probably because they scare me, I don’t want to be explosive. But God has put these people in my life for a reason for this time and I have to let myself connect with them and not be distant.
I need to let people love me. Because they already do.
I need to be explosive.